Welcome to Baltimore
*First you must learn to pronounce the city name.... It is Bawl-mer or Ball-tee-more, depending on if you live north or south of Rt. 40.
*Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If it is a Howard County map and is a day old it is already obsolete.
*On Monday you don't wash your clothes, you warsh them. Before you eat a meal you don't wash your hands, you warsh them in wooder.
*Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere, Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules...."Hold on & pray."
*There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore ... we all drive like that.
*All directions start with... "The Beltway...."....which has no beginning and no end.
*The morning rush hour is from 6am to 11am, the evening rush hour is from 1pm to 7pm... Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
*If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to 5 when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all 5 drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. However, if you don't go as soon as it turns green, you get the finger, a blowing horn, or both.
*Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Interesting that it's called an "interstate," it runs only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under re-construction ever since. (Does former Gov. Glendenning have any relatives who build highways?)
*All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase "Oh, we're in GLIMBURNIE!"
*If someone actually has their turn signal on it is probably a factory defect.
*Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.
*All old ladies with blue hair and Buicks have the right of way. PERIOD
*All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.
*A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours, although the tunnel does have, on occasion, more than one lane open. But never on holiday weekends.
*The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85mph, anything less is considered downright sissy.
*The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR.
*If the humidity is 98+ and the temperature is 98+ it's May/June/July/August/September.
*If it is 10 degrees, it is Orioles Opening Day.
*If it is 110 degrees, it is opening day at Ravens Stadium.
*If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the "Ravens Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500.00 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.
*If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during Preakness ... run over him! It's probably not his yard anyway.
*Oh yeah... Welcome to Baltimore, Hon