Karen's post at The Naked Ovary got me thinking, because it is similar to what I have been feeling lately. the start of September marks the 4th year of trying to have a baby. 4 years later, we have nothing but a crapload of shattered dreams, anger, cooled friendships and a boatload of pain. oh yea, and leftover Follistim in my fridge. how do I give up the dream of carrying my own child? 5 miscarriages have let us know emphatically that it ain't gonna happen, no matter how much I relax, try not to worry, etc etc etc and all the platitudes spoken by those who don't get it.
how do we give up that dream? we're so very tentatively moving towards adopting, because if nothing else, the last 4 years have shown us that we do want to be parents (and will be damn good ones too) . the pain comes from the realization that it won't be in the way we expected, the way most people get to do it.
it's just too damn hard sometimes, and too damn unfair.

Dipping our toes in the adoption water...

found out there is an adoption agency less than a mile from our house-information seminar September 14. I think we're going.

the Globe that stood outside the World Trade Center-now in Battery Park 

(Harry and Sally at a diner)

Sally: So what do you do with these women, you just get up out of bed and
leave?

Harry: Sure.

Sally: Well explain to me how you do it. What do you say?

Harry: You'd say you have an early meeting, early haircut or a squash game.

Sally: You don't play squash.

Harry: They don't know that they just met me.

Sally: That's disgusting.

Harry: I know, I feel terrible.

Sally: You know I'm so glad I never got involved with you. I just would've
ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed and leave at three
o'clock in the morning and clean your andirons, and you don't even have a
fireplace. Not that I would noticed.

Harry: Why are you getting so upset? This is not about you.

Sally: Yes it is. You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman.

Harry: Hey I don't feel great about this but I don't hear anyone complaining.

Sally: Of course not you're out of the door too fast.

Harry: I think they have an OK time.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: What do you mean how do I know? I know.

Sally: Because they...

Harry: Yes, because they...

Sally: And how do you know that they really...

Harry: What are you saying, that they fake orgasm?

Sally: It's possible.

Harry: Get outta here!

Sally: Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it.

Harry: Well they haven't faked it with me.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: Because I know.

Sally: Oh, right, that's right, I forgot, you're a man.

Harry: What is that supposed to mean?

Sally: Nothing. It's just that all men are sure it never happened to them and
that most women at one time or another have done it so you do the math.

Harry: You don't think that I could tell the difference?

Sally: No.

Harry: Get outta here.

Sally: Ooo...Oh...Ooo...

Harry: Are you OK?

Sally: Oh...Oh god...Ooo Oh God...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh God...Oh yeah right there
Oh! Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh...Yes Yes Yes....Oh...Yes Yes Yes
Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh... Oh... Oh God Oh... Oh... Huh...

(Sally finishes, looks at Harry and smiles. Harry looks back, looking a
little uneasy)

Lady from another table: I'll have what she's having.

Yes, I had a huge corned beef sandwich at Katz's Delicatessen and couldn't help but think of this scene from "When Harry Met Sally" while there. I did refrain from quoting the dialogue though.

Trip was good. I am in love with Baby Lucy-wanted to put her in my suitcase and bring her home.

All abooard the train to NYC, bwaahaahaa.

back Monday, should be good!

train tickets are purchased for NYC, I'm pretty excited!

when I get back though, P and I need to have The Talk: adoption has really been on my mind lately and I want to know what his feelings are about how/when to proceed.

my mom is the greatest-I arrived home today to find a package from her. she'd sent me a ladybug bracelet/earring set. when I called to thank her she said several times in the conversation "ladybugs are supposed to bring you luck". I know it's her way of acknowledging what we've been through without really saying it-after the failed IVF we didn't really want to talk about it with anyone, still don't, really. it was a nice surprise and brought tears to my eyes. honestly, we could use the luck.
thanks mom!!

I've been feeling adrift now that we're no longer actively TTC. I haven't been pricked with a needle, the're's no more medicine in the fridge, and I haven't taken my pants off in a dr's office in almost a month. it's hard to go back to the beginning.

I'm looking forward to my trip to NYC next week, Orange Alert or no.

happy mail day at my house! my Docs came-they totally rock, and my UK Harry Potter paperback set was on the doorstep when I got home. happiness abounds! add that the Orioles have now won 7 in a row, and it's been a good day overall; not bad for a Monday.

P found Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers at the liquor store-man, is that a blast from the past! who knew they were still making them? not I, said the goat.

these shit-kickin' boots are currently on their way to my house, I CANNOT wait to get them and do some stomping around.

I am a scrapbooking nerd-today I got giddy about new patterned paper! 2 friends (at work who I share the obsession with) and I went in together on the Fall Stack-180 sheets of super-coolness. thankfully, each pattern came in sets of 3, so it was easy to split up. now I've visions of cool layouts of my autumn and Halloween pictures, and the fact that it's only about 72 degrees today added to the happiness!

as further proof of my nerdiness, I'm actually looking forward to the Sportscenter Old School on Sunday night. I'm looking forward to it more than P.

geek.

forgot to throw in my 2nd HSG on yesterday's list...

thankfully, the storm that went through last night brought in cool, dry air! love it, love it.

4 years ago I was on my last pack of birth control pills; this is what's happened since:

• P went back to school
• started TTC, discovered TCOYF and Lifecycle software to chart my cycles
• went back to school
• holy cow, pregnant 4 months after charting
• miscarriage
• miserable, quit my job teaching preschool
• turned 34
• went back to school full-time for a semester
• start work where I am now
• 4 months Clomid w/ my gyn, waste of time
• still not pregnant, get RE recommendation from friend
• P gets his Master's degree
• HSG
• turned 35
• laparoscopy
• 4 Clomid/ IUI cycles, nothing
• pregnant on 5th Clomid/IUI
• miscarriage
• I graduated Summa Cum Laude from VJC right after the m/c
• on to injectibles-3 cycles, 3 losses
• did full RPL workup twice, all results normal
• turned 36
• attended adoption information seminar, considering that path
• moved on to IVF, first try converted to IUI due to 'poor response', no pregnancy
• 2nd IVF attempt, not great but we did it anyway-we all know that outcome

so here we are 4 years later, still us and the cats in our big house that should have a toddler and maybe a baby. a few good things happened, but so many bad, bad things. I need more happy times.

why doesn't Carson on "Queer Eye" have his own show yet? he is so freaking funny.

blah blah blah nothing going on cycle-wise since I no lolnger need to keep track of anything, it's quite strange.