we got the explanation of benefits statement from the insurance company this week for the IVF-much to our surprise, it was covered 100% instead of 50. that's $1800 we don't have to pay for this failed cycle. with the meds total, it paid for almost $13,000. P said he's never going to complain about our health coverage again-we're very thankful we have it. now that's money that may go for adoption someday.

I was incredibly disappointed this afternoon when I started my daily blog reads to see GetupGrrl's post about the stick figures. it's disappointing that someone who knows the pain of IF would take them for use without getting permission-hopefully she'll do the right thing and remove them.

I'm married to a very wise man.  he managed to put into words how this whole journey has affected us both.  he told me today "I feel really bad, but if this is it, then I know I won't ever feel this bad again". we need a rest to renew our hearts that have been so badly bruised and battered by the failed treatments and miscarriages.  so I've had several caffeineated Cokes, chocolates, and ice cream, plus being taken out for lunch and dinner isn't such a bad thing.  floorcake was thought of, but P came home to help take me out of the funk that was starting.  that's not to say I won't be desiring any soon.

I have been Proven Otherwise; beta was negative.

for the first time on a weekday I did not get a call but based on 3 negative hpts and the brown spotting that showed up today, I have very little hope.  I hope nothing happened to the lab work, I would hate to have to get it done again
so...I'll call tomorrow when the office opens at 9

got this in an email, fun!

What's the last thing you ate and drank? chips and nacho cheese and orange Gatorade
Have you ever experienced deja vu? yep
Favorite ice cream? Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake-heaven in a little cardboard container
 What are you doing this weekend? god only knows
 What is the most embarrassing item in your record collection? nothing, 'cos I'm too picky to waste my $$ on crap I don't love
Something you love? when my kitty Gus cuddles with me 
Something you hate? infertility
Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? my left
 What are you wearing? khaki capris & a DuClaw tee
 Do you take a shower every day? yep
Do you have any pets? kitties Gus & Tabby
 Bikini or one-piece?  eh, 2-piece I guess (tankini, only b/c it's so much easier to go pee in one)
 What's your favorite sleeping position? on my left side
 10 bands you've seen live - Squeeze, Depeche Mode, The Cure, Nine Inch Nails, Mighty Lemon Drops, They Might Be Giants, Coldplay, Pete Yorn, Peter Murphy, Elvis Costello
 9 things you're looking forward to - someday having our family, EE dvd of Return of the King, watching all 3 LoTR EE dvds back to back, the next Harry Potter book, getting my 2 Peas pregnancy loss circle journal back,  getting my Scrapbooking Buddies  'Joy' circle journal back, going to OC for our anniversary in September,  the MD Renaissance Festival, deciding what to do for our 10th anniversary next year
8 things that you wear daily-undergarments, wedding/engagement rings, either my blue suede Gazelles or a pair of Birki clogs, pants & shirt, jammie pants for bed, my silver bracelets, watch
7 things that annoy you - stupid people, spelling errors in books/magazines/newspapers,  tailgaters, the cost of gas, when I can't find anything I want to read at the library, parents berating their kids in public, P's sister (hey, she annoys him too), 
 6 things you touch every day - P, Gussy, Tabby, the laptop, tv remote, a book
 5 things you do every morning -  hit the snooze button, kiss P, shower, eat a Luna bar, check my email
 4 TV shows you enjoy watching - Gilmore Girls, Clean Sweep, Changing Rooms, What Not to Wear (BBC version)
 3 movies you could watch over and over - Sleepless in Seattle, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Fellowship of the Ring
 2 of your favorite songs at the moment - Jamie Cullum "But for Now", John Mayer "My Stupid Mouth"
 1 person you could spend the rest of your life with - P,  of course!  can't believe I've already known him for half of our lives

nothing
negative
blank
zero
zip
zilch
nada
nil
yes,  I peed on a stick this morning.  nary a line, nary a hint or whisper of a line.  nothing I can obsess over in the least.  the space where there should have been a second pink line couldn't have been any whiter.
tonight P will give me my last PIO shot, I will chew my last baby aspirin, I will swallow my last prenatal vitamin.  there will be no more syringes or Sharps containers in my bathroom. 
at this point just waiting for tomorrow's beta to make it official.

it's taking forever to get to Tuesday, seems like.  the closer it gets, the more scared I am that it will be negative.  all that hard work for nothing, and we will have reached the end of the line.  I almost got out our adoption info the other day, too. there'd be a period of mourning, no doubt, then we'd pull ourselves up by our bootstraps like before.  I guess I'm really just trying to protect myself if the outcome isn't what we want and so fervently wish for.

reason #57 why to keep your cat out of the room while doing PIO shots: our big fat Manx Gus decided to jump on the bed while I was laying bum-up for Paul to do my shot.  he had the needle in my skin when Gus decided to head-butt Paul's hand-not a good idea.  he's such a stupid cat but we love him anyway!

7 more days, blah blah blah

PIO shots have been so going well (except for the one I gave myself in the thigh that hurt like a mofo) I'm almost afraid to think it, much less say it out loud.  everything I've heard about them sounded horrific, but so far, so good.
not sure how I'm going to make it to the 27th...

ah, Blogger has changed their posting template to allow all kinds of tricks!  will play with later.
 
bedrest without a laptop sucks, but now that P's home, he hooked me back up.
 
transfer went well, not sure what I expected but it was far easier than some of my IUI's. 
 
we put back the 4 that made it w/ ICSI & assisted hatching.  1 4-cell grade 2, 2 6-cell grade 3 and 1 2-cell grade 3 that Dr B said probably wouldn't make it.  the hope is one or two of the others decide to hang around for 9 months.  so far have resisted any tempatation to Google embryo quality.

got P off to the airport, poor fella-his 6:15 flight ended up not leaving till 7:50. wanker took the laptop though so I'll be offline till he gets home Friday night.
been thinking of my little embies, sitting in a dish across town. it just has to go well tomorrow, I am SO due.

we have fertilization!!!! they actually got 7 eggs, 4 have fertilized and they are watching 2 that are lagging behind and may fertilize as well. transfer is set for Thursday at 12:30.

we have 6 eggs. pleaseohpleaseohpleasegod let them all fertilize

oh god, my hope addict has finally showed up...
ER is set for Monday morning at 8am.

still in the game, roller-coaster going up, etc, etc.
E2 went up to 1132: good.
4 follies on right: good, 6(?) on left: good.
got to sign a consent form for retrieval: good.
Dr B mentioned possible retrieval on Monday or Tuesday: good.

left follies need to catch up, right follies better not get too big: bad
still a chance conversion to IUI: bad
P leaves Wednesday evening for Boston-could possibly be there for transfer: BAD

next scan Saturday morning...stay tuned for any further developments.

one (or all) of Maggie's 3 embies took-she's pg!! woohoo!


warning to P last night: I can go from 0 to cranky in 1.2 seconds, consider yourself warned
I can also do 0 to weepy in about 3.7

tried to send happy growing vibes to the 7 dwarf follies but just felt silly so I gave up. they'll do what they'll do regardless.

last vial of Follistim went in the pen today, so I hope they've grown enough we can set a retrieval date.

674, up from 375, it's still a go for now. next check on Thursday.

what I learned from today's appointment:
*my ovaries ride the short bus (they're s l o w)
*my eggs are probably bad, which explains why I keep miscarrying
*I can add the title poor responder to my previous title of habitual aborter
*the E2 level will show whether we cancel or not
*donor eggs are an option if I want to be a mom through pregnancy
*I still love Dr B 'cos he tells it to me straight, plus he lets me see the u/s screen

and to the lab tech-when I tell you there is no use tapping my left arm for blood, I'm not making it up! there's no point in jabbing the needle and twisting it around painfully trying to get blood when there's none to be had. good god that hurt. at least she apologized, but please...

it's a crapshoot at this point whether this IVF attempt will even happen, not much going on after 6 freaking days of 2x/day stims. I think the only reason why I don't know that for sure today is that I saw the nurse, not my dr. u/s with him and more b/w Tuesday morning...the nurse only measured 1 follie and said there's a bunch that aren't measurable yet. it's been a pretty crappy day. E2 is 375.

feh-yesterday's bloodwork doesn't sounds promising, E2 of only 160. more bloodwork and an ultrasound tomorrow. nothing is more exciting that getting up early and slogging downtown to the hospital on the holiday. that poor responder label is rearing its ugly head again...